Loneliness - Journal prompt Monday

Being Alone is Not Always Negative

Isolated part of Hertfordshire - photo by me.

Last June I had severe writer's block which occurs more often than I would like to admit. I was saved by

Francesca Specter

and her article 5 loneliness 'cures' that have nothing to do with other people. Last time I looked at loneliness linking it to community. This morning I want to encourage people to think about what loneliness and isolation can mean to you and those around you. Not just family and friends, but also how you perceive loneliness and/or isolation in others.

Obviously as the old curmudgeon a growing old is my perspective. Nonetheless, I would encourage people of all ages to write a few lines responding to the prompts.

Starting with the positive side of being alone. Alonement, a term coined by Francesca Specter. She is quoted in the Glamour article What is Alonement and Why Do We Need It? as describing Alonement as:

“Put simply, it’s the opposite to loneliness ….. Alonement is in and of itself a word that means alone time is either a very joyful experience or a very fulfilling one or, in many occasions, it’s both. It’s alone time that you benefit from.”

Building on Francesca’s description. I would take it one step further and say it is not only joyful or fulfilling, but contentment with your own company, feeling at ease. There are times I feel lonely, there are times when I am at ease, other times I relish being alone, even without my four legged friends. I recommend you buy a copy of the book, Alonement by Francesca Spector it is inspirational and thoughtful.

Loneliness. I spend a great deal of my time alone, but I pointed out above I am not always lonely. Yes, I feel varying degrees of loneliness at specific points in time. I miss the other half of my family; that will never change. When I wake up in the middle of the night panicking about stupid things, there is no one to talk to except two, or occasionally three dogs. They are hopeless at providing any answers unless the question is: “do you want your dinner?” I can feel lonely in a room full of couples, or social settings because I perceive myself as different, or it reminds me of loss. Each situation varies in the degree of loneliness from 0-100. It is being on my own when I don't want to be, can't do anything about it, miss those I love and seeing others with their families.

How does loneliness feel to me? That’s depend on the situation. If I am with a group of people I can feel sad. The butterfly feeling in my stomach from slight fear and stress starts to flutter. My facial muscles get tired with the amount of smiling I am doing. I tell me to pull myself together. Sometimes I want to run a for the hills. Both contradictory statements, why run away from people if you are lonely? I distract myself by reading a book, watching crappy TV films on Netflix and learning to bark.

The UK Government's definition appears in their strategy for tackling loneliness produced in 2018 as:

a subjective, unwelcome feeling of lack or loss of companionship. It happens when there is a mismatch between the quantity and quality of the social relationships that we have and those that we want

I feel this definition doesn't define loneliness. It is far more complex.

The Campaign to End loneliness explores the three commonly recognised types of loneliness in more detail in A conceptual review of loneliness across the adult life course (16+ years):

• Emotional loneliness – the absence of meaningful relationships

• Social loneliness – a perceived deficit in the quality of social connections.

• Existential loneliness – a feeling of fundamental separateness from others and the wider world.'

Other types of loneliness include: 

• Transient loneliness – a feeling that comes and goes

• Situational loneliness – only occurring at certain times like Sundays, bank holidays or Christmas

• Chronic loneliness – feeling lonely all or most of the time

I recognise to each type in me, from being a small child on my first day of school - social loneliness, to the early stages of grief - experiencing existential loneliness. Types of Loneliness interact with each other, sometimes in a vicious circle. We must be careful not to categorise someone's loneliness because it fits neatly into a particular type or situation. Christmas and situational loneliness highlights this point. I am often told you will be lonely if you spend Christmas alone because it's Christmas. I'm not lonely. My Christmas days are over. If I want to be the grumpy old curmudgeon that day, let me be. I more be much lonelier in a room of people.

Isolation is more extreme than loneliness and maybe forced on us at times. There are those that seek out isolation and those who say they seeking out but are masking their loneliness resulting from isolation. Isolation can exist for many different reasons. Geography living in isolated rural areas, living in a high-rise block with poor lifts. Health issues can make it impossible for people to get out. Communication for example aphasia due to loss to brain injury or stroke, or language barriers.

Journal Prompts - These may feel quite challenging. It is better to write your thought down. One line does it, on paper, iPad, phone, parchment, slate boards. But please do encourage others, not just Substackers to use the prompts.

Do you ever feel lonely?

• When do you feel lonely?

• How does it feel?

• Are you ever scared of being lonely?

• Are there positives to being lonely - not Alonement?

Would you like some Alonement time for you?

• What would you do?

Do you know others around you who are lonely and/or isolated?

• What emotions to those people stir in you?

If you enjoy my ramblings, rabbit warrens will be back at the end of the week. If you haven’t already please do subscribe and share with others. My posts are free to all.