When you become a widow/er do you change or do others see you differently?

Probably a bit of both.……

Seems like yesterday…maybe not our wedding day March 1979

Wish I could have found a snappier title. But it is a conundrum I often consider. I know I have changed, before you all shout, after 7 years of widowhood. Do people treat me differently than before, yes they do. Ok I've answered my own question. A very big BUT is needed as the answer is far more complex. Firstly, widowhood is like motherhood, we are all different, no one size fits all and our life experiences vary so much. Secondly, my circumstances have changed - I am retired, I live somewhere different, I do different things and our daughter died. All things that change people’s perception of me.

I am writing this as a retired older widow, female, not a married woman and part of a couple for over 40 years. I make no distinction between married and - in the words of Louisa Young see below - ‘unmarried widows, just as bereft as their on-paper sisters.’

Another key point: I am writing this article from my own priveleged perspective, with an added sprinkling of research. I am privileged, not to be a widow but to be a widow living in a society where I have the opportunity to consider the finer points of widowhood whilst the perceptions of Widowhood maybe changing across the globe for many their reality could not be further from mine. An article produced by the UN in December 2001 Widowhood: invisible women, secluded or excluded highlights the circumstances for widows in different societies during the 1990s, it makes for grim but important reading. A paper published in 2025 considering the plight of widows in India Precarious Lives of Older Widows in India and Legal Provisions and the Global Fund For Women highlight that widows in low to middle income countries face:

Lack of Access to Rights

• 76% of widows joining Global Fund For Widows have had their assets seized

• In over 100 countries, laws and customs allow widows to be stripped of property, land and housing.

• Legal protections, where they exist, are rarely enforced

Stolen Livelihoods

• Widows are left without means to survive

• Gender norms limit widows’ employment opportunities.

Social Barriers

• Widows face stigma, blame and social isolation.

• Physical and emotional abuse in the guise of tradition.

• Diminished social status and identity.

Before I go down my ramble I felt I needed to ensure that the voices and problems of all widows are in this article. I will throw a couple more statistics in from the Guardian article Merry Widows How Attitudes To Bereaved Women Have Changed written by Louisa Young

There are more than 3 million widows in the UK; 258 million worldwide. Officially. Including all those unmarried widows, just as bereft as their on-paper sisters, there are exponentially more.

The article is written in a light hearted way but manages to highlight some of the issues we face. For example, some widows, not me by any stretch of the imagination, no legs old and overweight, can be seen as a threat to others relationships…why?….how many marriages collapse because of relationships between spouses/best friends partners. Why on earth are you more of a threat because you're a widow? An issue it raises is ‘curing’ widowhood - matching you with the most eligible alternative regardless. I did have one ‘you’ll get on with xxxxx really well, you have so much in common.’ Firstly the person suggesting it hardly knew me and secondly as I have often said on here I am happy in my own company and nobody would live with me and the dogs.

There are other aspects to widowhood, changing relationships with others reminding me of Satre’s The Gaze of The Other. I thought of explaining it more detail but the rabbit 🐇 warren journeys required would take me far too long and down many other holes. However, our perception of the gaze of others is important, suddenly you are one half of a couple never to become hole again. This point is highlighted by Regina Kenen who undertook a study Uncoupled: American Widows in Times of Uncertainty and Ambiguous Norms that:

… grew out of my concern with the plight of widows in American society today combined with the anger and distress at the way I was treated by my husband’s colleagues after his death. I had participated in his professional and social academic life for more than 30 years, but I ceased to exist after his Commemoration of Life Ceremony planned by his department and me. This abandonment hurt deeply as I thought that I was an integral part of his professional community and I found this upsetting and demoralizing.

In her last sentence she concludes:

Long-accepted norms such as the legacy of “twosomes” as an ideal remain particularly hurtful. A new, universal norm that equally values being single as well as partnered would go a long way in alleviating chronic uncertainty.

All friendships change over time, come and go, which gets me thinking are we more aware to these changes as widows?

I moved into a village where nobody knew me, or John my husband, but knew I was a widow and old. Ripe for the monthly lunch club as a punter. As a widow you are more likely to be seen as a punter than as a helper, yet some of the helpers are far older than the punters but they have partners. That is not to say I haven’t developed good friendships in the village and surrounds, I have for which I am very grateful and lucky. However, as a widow it tends to be daytime activities, evenings are more couple orientated. Another question: is it just me? I'll answer that one, yes, I do find myself feeling like a dumpy gooseberry. It is not grief - woe is me or believing that people feel sorry for because I'm a lonely widow. It is my feeling that in couples company I am an outsider, possibly a spare part. I partly agree with Grief in Common when they highlight 1 of the 5 things only widows can understand is: It’s a couples world and socializing after the loss of a spouse is never the same. It is not a negative I don't have to drive in the dark, I can be me, I can be an old curmudgeon with her dogs in the evening. I am now more able to say no and do the things I enjoy doing such as going to the theatre alone.

The reasons for friendships changing through widowhood will vary for all of us and are complex. I have spoken to others whose friends told them to pull themselves together after a few months, people they had been ‘close’ to for years. Others whose friends just disappeared. I was luckly in both fronts my friends did neither.

Another aspect of widowhood, and grief generally, is perceptions of time. The period of intense, absolute, devastation seems to last forever yet the time distance between when the person died seems to pass swiftly, suddenly I am 7 years. It has also been shown that perceptions of the length of time left can shift and result in certain changes in decision making see “Time without you”: Transition to widowhood and its impact on time perspective and attitudes toward the future. An article for another time lots to grapple with their.

Another aspect is the differing gender experiences another article for a later date. The experience of grief and devastation is no difference but the afterwards can vary, but nothing is simple.

Prompt

Do you have days when time whizzes past and you wish you could stop the hands on the clock for 30 minutes?

Do you have days when time seems to stop?

What are the differences between the days in three sentences

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