Talking About Death ...

We don't talk about it enough.…

Olympics 2012 Stratford a lovely day out for the hockey. Oblivious of the future.

I am going to start by thanking

Emma Simpson

at Lemon Soul for raising the subject and arranging her Lemon Soul Cafe...Lets Talk About…Death and all those who were there. The Cafe was a safe place to discuss a subject that many people avoid. It got me thinking about how we perceive death as we grow old and at any age, so here I am writing about death. I don't want to be controversial or upset people. I want to write a post looking at death from my perspective, as someone who has experienced a number of very different deaths - to promote discussion and hopefully get people thinking and talking about death. We each have our own perspectives, values and beliefs around the subject, and we must respect each other’s viewpoint. I want to make clear that my post refer to deaths that occur as adults. I know death can happen at any age and unfortunately, that is the reality of life. The death child is different, as is how we discuss death of and with children.

There are two certainties in this life. Firstly, we are born, or else we wouldn't be here. Secondly, at some stage we will die. We discuss the practicalities of birth, the hows, the costs, the changes our lives will experience as a result of a birth. I remember the reality can be exceedingly different from the actual. The beautiful little bundle suddenly takes over your whole world, it was quite a shock to the system. I knew where I was having Sarah, UCH Hospital, I knew I was going to attempt a normal birth, ok didn't quite happen, another story. There was a plan, something that does not often happen with our deaths.

I am going to start with the goodbyes. I believe that funerals, ceremonies and celebrations are a critical element of the grief process for those who remain. Arranging funerals can be wonderful celebrating the life of the deceased. They can be fraught with division, angst and even bitterness. I have been lucky in the funerals that I have arranged, they have each been fitting farewells. My husband and daughter’s were both celebrations and very different.

John’s was a non-religious ceremony at a crematorium attended by all the people who loved and respected him, it was standing room only. As we knew John was going to die we were able to plan somethings together. He chose the music, an electic mix and the buffet afterwards - a cricket tea, as strange as it sounds it felt reassuring that he had been able to play a part.

Sarah’s was very different. It was at the end of Covid and only 30 people could be inside the Chapel and restricted numbers for her celebration afterwards, although many of her friends found ways around the numbers for the celebration. Sarah was not religious, nor are we, nor did she believe in the afterlife. Her husband, her step daughters and families are religious. I knew Sarah would want the best for her husband and stepdaughters, therefore we had a religious ceremony and a burial. However, we all agreed the music should reflect Sarah’s life. If you have no religion I feel the main thing is to say goodbye not what is said or done. It was a lovely service that respected us all.

However, the thought of death ceremonies can mean a great deal to the deceased and cause them distress during their lifetime. My mother was an example, if slightly odd one. She would talk about her death but only to say she wanted either for her body to be left to science or put in black bin bag and dumped. Neither was an option at the end. She told us she didn't want a ceremony of any kind. We compromised, sort of, and had a humanist ceremony.

I outlined those three funerals above to promote discussion on the wishes of the deceased v the living and discussing funerals before you die. John’s was the calmest and least stressful to arrange. When we were discussing Sarah’s funeral I hoped I knew what she would have wanted - the best for the living. It was something I never thought I would have to do. If I am honest, for various reasons I found one aspect hard - the service, knowing my daughter was lying in front of me and being told about the wishes of God etc. That is my personal viewpoint. I do recognise that for others at her funeral those words would have brought great comfort.

Mother’s funeral was not what she would have wanted - long story in my memoir. What we chose was right for us, her children, her grandchildren, other family members and friends. She was in no way religious and the ceremony respected that aspect of her. I know we went against her wishes, but felt for many reasons those of us left behind needed closure which the ceremony gave us. This highlights not sticking to the deceased wishes can be the right thing to do.

My son will not discuss my death. It is too hard for him at the moment which I completely understand. But I realise I can make it easier for him by putting in writing how I think I would like my funeral to be if I was there - not sure that sentence makes sense. The ultimate decision will be his.

As I grow older, and move towards my death, I realise I should start clearing my rubbish no one else is interested in, ready for when I am no longer here. Some say ‘why does it matter you won’t be here?’. Yes, that is true but it worries me. How my son will cope with it all? In Emma’s Cafe The Swedish döstädning meaning Swedish Death Cleaning was discussed and I have researched a little bit further, as it made complete sense to me. In her book The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning Margareta Magnusson writes:

I am death cleaning, or as we call it in Swedish: döstädning. Dö is death and städning is cleaning. In Swedish it is a term that means removing unnecessary things and making your home nice and orderly when you think the time is coming closer for you to leave the planet.

The following youtube video is presented by Saga Johanna, she is young and recommends it for all ages. She talks very quickly and crams a lot into her five minutes. I enjoyed watching the video.

The other practical aspect of preparing for your death are the practicalities of life. I am not talking a wills, yes we should all do them. Its everyday life the dogs - vets food etc- note what comes first in my list, banks, utilities, passwords, insurances, the list is endless - the boring stuff we just do. John was very organised before his death. Although, not always easy we were able to sort everything out. I had to transfer his beloved SAAB convertible into my name before he died, as for various reasons mine was not going to be around. I could not have done it after his death and would have been carless. It was a hard thing to do. Sarah had no will, although it was relatively straightforward it left uncertainties.

The last big debate is our fear of death and how discussing, many fear, brings it closer. My personal perspective is that I am not scared about my own death. I am puzzled what happens to the essence of me. Energy can never be created or destroyed only transferred. What kind of energy are my thoughts, my emotions etc? At this point my brain hurts and I could go off down so many, rabbit 🐇, fox 🦊, badger 🦡 and otter 🦦 holes and get stuck stuck, so I'll leave it there. Definitely further discussion for another day and a foray into philosophical debate and my favourite existential philosophy, definitely worth exploring in another post.

My biggest is fear is for those left behind. I can sort out things that I've listed above, what I can't address is the grief and emotions, nor will I be there to celebrate triumphs or to support during challenges. That terrifies me.

Death is inevitable. We cannot avoid it. We can make it easier for those left behind by discussing it and sorting things.

Prompts - slightly challenging ones this week

Are you comfortable with death?

What is your biggest fear about your own death?

What is most important aspect of your death for you?

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