Sitting on the outside, looking in…

Oh & open gardens

Open gardens -the slug ate my one courgette this morning 🤣

When your life is turned upside down and becomes completely different from anything you ever imagined and/or planned it takes time to adjust, for the haze to lift and acceptance of your new existence to settle in. I now sit outside and look into the world of couples, happy families, and planned retirements. Before you all sigh and run for the hills, or down the nearest rabbit warren with the head rabbit 🐇, this is not a woe is me post. Hopefully, I can help others by saying it is ok to sit on the outside, not change yourself to fit in, find your own way through and be yourself - an old curmudgeon like me - nah not really. Acceptance is the key.

What do I mean? Are you sitting comfortably? Jackanory time - I could go down the badger 🦡 set and explain the question and jackanory reference I put a link instead. However, I can’t resist a diversion to 1970 when I was lucky enough, with my mate, to watch Spike Milligan record Jackanory from the directors, or whatever box. He was reading 'Uncle and his Detective’, illustrated by Quentin Blake. I remember the end credits were going backwards, which being brash 12 year olds we pointed out. They were not corrected before airing.

Back on track. What made me think about sitting on the outside? This weekend we had our open gardens in the village. It went very well and we had over 500 visitors, excluding four legged and babes in arms, in our communal gardens, pictures above to show they are not formal gardens. Talking to all the visitors is great because you meet so many different people. The morning age profile is high even higher than my age, but during the day you get all sorts. I had a lovely 10 minutes with the most beautiful baby boy laughing and smiling at me so his parents could take his brothers to find the treasure (a photo of Elsa from Frozen). There was a very casual chic, lovely, American lady who chatted about moving into the area and learning about gardening. Local families who come to be nosey, I'm not complaining they are always amazed by the amount of garden and it's lovely to see them. Countless people asking what’s the criteria for living here. ‘Show us the colour of your money’ is always my response. It just happens that at the moment we are all older, except for Mildred & Humphrey. One couple have been here over 40 years and there son grew up here. I often think what a shame it is that there is no longer children here, although the old curmudgeon may chip in it would ruin my peace & quiet.

Back on track, after the gardens closed and Humphrey did his sweep of the grounds to make sure everyone had left, we met with others in the church. I always feel like I am going to be struck down on the rare occasion I enter - heathen that I am. I got my very nice dinner and sat with neighbours, all are still couples and live further along the High Street. As we sat chatting I realised how different it is being a widow at my age. Social conversation centre around holidays with family, family news, dinners they have had and similar. When the conversation turned to previous lives, work, COVID & lockdown, I realised I was very much on the outside. However, for the first time I felt very comfortable in my position. I didn't have to explain what I did for a living, nor ruin the conversation with my experiences of lockdown on my own. I also realised John still a live presence in my life, the conversation would feel different in reality he’d be back at home watching the football, nonetheless it would feel different. Everyone was really nice, the issue is inside me.

As I wandered home, I initially felt glum. Then I pondered for a while and realised it was being one of a couple that was different. I would have told him all about it when I got home, no doubt interuppting his football. Now at least Mildred listens, doesn't make grumpy old men comments before pottering off to sit in the sunshine.

I miss John and Sarah desparetly and that will never change. What don't miss anymore is my previous life, and what might have been. A difficult concept to explain, so I won't try. My life now, is completely and utterly different from what it was and what we had planned for our retirement. Whilst I can't say that's ok, I can say I have accepted my lot and can sit in my home with the company of my dogs, meet my old and new friends who know my history and embrace it. My life is busy, I do different things, I have done many new things, there are things, such as holidays, that in the past and I am really ok with that. I don't feel the need to fit in anymore nor become part of a group. I am contented sitting on the sidelines looking in.

Certain things cheer me up however I feel. I saw my first Jersey tiger moth of the summer yesterday, it really lifted my spirits, each year I wonder of they will be back. I saw a lesser spotted woodpecker in the garden, they have been absent for a couple of years. The green woodpecker was very vocal until recently, he obviously found a mate. As generally, there has been a decrease in some birds - house sparrows, starlings, no nut hatch for a couple of years - it is great to know some have returned. The muntjac are also back, chomping happily in their favourite garden plants, although they've always left before I get up.

I will wind up my musings for now and leave you all in peace.

Prompt

We have all had times when we feel on the outside. Think of two situations where you have felt outside the group. Write a paragraph on each of the following

1. How did it feel?

2. How can you reframe any uncomfortable feelings into positive ones?

Thank you so much for reading my pondering rambling. Plus a mahoosive thank you to all of my subscribers for sticking with my eclectic, eccentric rambles down the rabbit warren 🐇, fox 🦊 dens, badger 🦡 sets and otter 🦦 holts.

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