Memoir, ageism & being old …

It makes me realise being old is a good thing ….

My working title with photos from various stages of my life

I am old and proud to be old. I battled for years to define what being old is from a categorisation and policy perspective, loads of stories for another day. I am OLD the word is not wrong, nor is being proud to be old wrong, it is the rhetoric that’s wrong.

Let me explain in my usual inimitable rambling way. If we do not change the rhetoric around growing old society will always see being old a bad thing, with a multitude of labels attached, mainly negative. I agree 100% that all the advice around being positive, good diets, exercise, trying new things is valid and advice that we should continue to be encouraged to follow. However, I don’t like being told it is bad to call myself old, mainly because that is immediately telling me it is a bad thing, a dirty word, yuk. No it is not, as with being a teenager, it is a fact. I am not young, I am not a teenager, I am not a child, I am an old person, particularly in the eyes of younger people and ancient in the eyes of pre - - - (fill in the gap).

I loved

Jane Duncan Rogers

short post on ageism and how if we didn’t assign years in age:

There would be different categories based on the stages that a human being goes through like babies, children, youth, young adults, mid-life adults, and older adults. Possibly even ancient adults.

I like that idea and am proud be an older adult and can’t wait to be called ancient. The words don’t scare me. Jane is much more eloquent with the explanation, than me.

Whilst, we all agree it is better to age in a positive, healthy and happy way it is not always possible, life gets in the way and for many the choices are incredibly limited. The reasons vary and can include: financial, physical, bereavement can visit more often as we age, grief for the loss of employment, identity and so the list goes on. The rhetoric can often feel a bit like the blame game ‘If you can’t do what you used to do it’s is all you own fault, you didn’t look after yourself’. I gave up on my get fit regime after I was swimming, doing weights or the cross trainer 3 times a weeks, lost weight and then wallop 12 months later I had a stroke due to a blip in the thing carrying blood into my brain. I count myself extremely lucky that I had not had one before and even luckier that I survived - yet another story for another time. I am very lucky that I live in a country that values its NHS (National Health Service). ‘You didn’t save for your pension.’ I am lucky John and I could afford our pensions and I am not rolling in dosh 💰 but I have choices I can make because I am comfortable. ‘You fell out with your best friend, relative or whatever that’s why you’re lonely’ we never know the full story.

Yes, I know I should have made many different choices over the years, but regret is a pointless emotion. Let’s move forward and make being old positive. Yes our bones can creak, our hair goes grey, we can try to change certain things for example with hair dye and plastic surgery.

A benefit of age is insight and realising things are not always as they seem. Madonna has come in for a lot of stick, why? It is her choice how she ages, she is growing old. I no longer judge people on the choices they make in their ageing journey as I did even ten years ago. I have stopped saying ‘cheer up it may never happen’ as a way of adding some brightness to someone’s day, for them it may have happened. However, if I catch their eye I will give them a warm smile and mean it. I have been that person.

Now why you might ask have I call this post Memoir & Being Old when I have taken you down the rabbit 🐇 warren of positive ageing, because ageism is rife in the publishing world. There are many successful older authors who have long list of published books from such as Margaret Atwood, Ian McEwan, J K Rowling. However ageism is another nail in the coffin - pun intended - of old, first time authors, or old curmudgeons pretending to be authors, like me. Hands up, I am not saying that older authors should be given special attention. I am well aware that the 88,000 words of old curmudgeonly Linney ramblings are exceedingly unlikely to be published due to quality add ageism and being old is just another tick ‘in the why bother column’.

Graeme Hall wrote an interesting article in The Author - The Society of Author’s Journal Winter 2024 edition- Grey matters - age is the only acceptable form of discrimination he questions:

“… to what extent institutional ageism in the publishing ecosystem makes it harder for new writers to breakthrough at an older age.”

However his closing section starts by saying:

“Even if I appear to have been painting a bleak picture, there are some grounds for hope. … and he goes on to outline: Another heartening development is within Hachette UK whose ‘Changing The Story’ diversity programme acknowledges that age is an issue.”

So why you may ask? I know why I am bothering to write, edit redraft, pull my hair out and all those things, Algernon my inner critic, is now rising up to his full height.

Firstly, to tell my story that includes, suicides and attempts, fires, living with a narcissistic mother, mad and loving animals, being on stage with Bruce Springsteen at Milton Keynes Bowl - don’t panic I wasn’t performing, losing my rock and husband of 39 years - a man who had no way of knowing that he was also taking on the Curse of Mother as well as me, followed two years later by the death of my daughter from a massive stroke during lockdown.

The second reason is to hopefully bring some insights into how we each survive adversity our own way and can turn the bad stuff into our own survival toolkits at different points in our lives - memories of a lonely childhood and animals becomes a way of managing sudden loss. My story is nothing compared to many thousands, even millions, of people suffering every single day, however I can at least empathise and give a glimmer of hope for the future.

If I am honest the third reason is personal, to try to make sense of a rather strange life from being a child in a dysfunctional family to being a wife and mother to running my own successful consultancy - ok one man band - to becoming an old curmudgeonly retired widow sitting in a small home with three mad dogs, yet knowing who I am, not apologising and recognising I am proud to be old. Boy was that a long sentence.

On Friday it will be four years since Sarah’s bright, caring, beautiful light stopped shining. I will be honest and say I will never recover from her death, I accommodate it in me, rather than accept her death. There was a very small piece on the BBC website as part of NHS frontline was a baptism of fire, but it shaped me' - your lockdown memories five years on - if you are interested press the link and Sarah’s piece is at 10.21 time stamp. I think she would have liked seeing her photo taken during happier times on their honeymoon on the BBC website.

Ok Linney SHUT UP now you have rambled far too long.

Prompts

How would you describe you age category and why?

What is the best and worst things of being the age you are?

Name 5 positives of growing old?

Thank you for reading my exceedingly long ramble. If you haven’t already and found this post interesting or anything else and feel the urge please do subscribe to my Substack, my posts are free to all.