I had severe writer's block this morning. Ok, not writer's block. That is raising myself above my station, severe rambler’s block. Francesca Specter saved the day with her article 5 loneliness 'cures' that have nothing to do with other people popping up in my inbox this morning. It got me thinking about two words loneliness and community. If you are lonely, people tell you to get out into the community, join things, and become a community member. What do these two words mean? As I sit here tapping my iPad screen, I wonder what I have taken on, but here goes down the rabbit hole.
I will start with loneliness. Firstly what does it mean to me? I spend a great deal of my time alone, but not lonely. Yes, I feel varying degrees of loneliness at specific points in time. I miss the other half of my family; that will never change. When I wake up in the middle of the night panicking about stupid things, there is no one to talk to except two dogs who are no use working out the insurance on a very old building. I can feel lonely in a room full of couples, or social settings because I perceive myself as different, or it reminds me of loss. Each situation varies in the degree of loneliness from 0-100. It is being on my own when I don't want to be, can't do anything about it and feel sad.
How does loneliness feel to me? Sadness, a slight feeling in the pit of my stomach, the tightening of my facial and other muscles, feeling stressed & a bit stupid, telling me to pull myself together. Sometimes there is a feeling of wanting to run away from the situation, sometimes a sense of panic or just willing myself to go back to sleep. Both contradictory statements, why run away from people if you are lonely and willing yourself to go to sleep? It doesn't work. It makes it worse. Sometimes it's easier not to feel lonely in your own company. You can distract yourself by doing your own thing, reading a book, watching crappy TV films on Netflix. Again a contradiction, but it is about Alonement, not loneliness. See Francesca's website Alonement and the book of the same name. A word very aptly created by her.
What are the official definitions of loneliness? The UK Government's definition of loneliness in their strategy for tackling loneliness produced in 2018 states loneliness is
a subjective, unwelcome feeling of lack or loss of companionship. It happens when there is a mismatch between the quantity and quality of the social relationships that we have and those that we want
I feel this definition doesn't define loneliness. It is far more complex but does as a starter for 10. I admit I cannot come up with a better one; I would need to ponder and procrastinate.
The Campaign to End loneliness identifies several types of loneliness on its website. It explores the three commonly recognised types of loneliness in more detail in A conceptual review of loneliness across the adult life course (16+ years):
Emotional loneliness – the absence of meaningful relationships
Social loneliness – a perceived deficit in the quality of social connections.'
Existential loneliness – a feeling of fundamental separateness from others and the wider world.'
Other types of loneliness include:
Transient loneliness – a feeling that comes and goes
Situational loneliness – only occurring at certain times like Sundays, bank holidays or Christmas
Chronic loneliness – feeling lonely all or most of the time
I can relate to each type, from being a small child on my first day of school feeling social loneliness to the early stages of grief and experiencing existential loneliness.
Types of Loneliness interact with each other, sometimes in a vicious circle. We must be careful not to categorise someone's loneliness because it fits neatly into a particular type or situation. Christmas and situational loneliness highlights this point. I am often told you will be lonely if you spend Christmas alone because it's Christmas. I'm not lonely. My Christmas days are over. If I want to be the grumpy old 🐄 that day, let me be. I could be much more lonely in a room of people.
Moving on from loneliness to community. The Cambridge Dictionary's definition of a community is:
the people living in one particular area or people who are considered as a unit because of their common interests, social group, or nationality.
Looks pretty straightforward, but is it? In 2019 Nicole Celestine wrote an article for PostivePsychology.com called 10 Traits That Make a Positive Community. The article describes positive communities, what they are, and how to create and maintain them. Five grounds for communities are outlined, including shared identity, purpose and common interests. The article outlines ten traits of positive communities, including freedom of speech, common goals, and sensitivity. It is a good template for setting up a community but for slightly simplistic and prescriptive.
A 2001 study What Is Community? An Evidence-Based Definition for Participatory Public Health identified a standard definition of community:
as a group of people with diverse characteristics linked by social ties, share common perspectives, and engage in joint action in geographical locations or settings
Nonetheless, the study identified individuals experience communities differently.
For me, one of the keywords in the second definition is the word diverse. I recognise that specific communities are not open to all, for example, sporting communities. In the nicest possible way, no way would I join the London, or any, Marathon community. My old short creaking legs aren't up to it, nor would I join a community choir unless I was allowed to sit 100 yards from everyone else. Otherwise everyone else would leave the choir very quickly. Yet, even supposedly open communities can be unwelcoming places.
Lunch clubs, for example, for older people, are an incredible way for a community to meet. In this instance, age is the common strand. But they are often set in their ways. People sit at the same table, with the same people every time, creating a very lonely place for a new person to join. Maybe, they have just moved into the area, are recently retired, divorced or are just different for whatever reason. They are not necessarily coming along because they are lonely but just trying to see if the group is for them. It would be interesting to go to several lunch clubs and ask them to define the 'club' in terms of community, both those who come for lunch and those who volunteer.
I have been, and am, part of some brilliant communities such as Substack, my art class, an aphasia group, being a student, living in my home in my village, and having dogs. They are great fun, supportive, engaging, improve my well-being and are very positive.
My concern is how loneliness can hide depression and other serious mental health issues. Community involvement can be very positive but is not the all-encompassing answer. I won't rant about the decimation of mental health and preventative services in the UK. That is for another time. There is rhetoric saying, don't worry, it's not a problem; you are lonely. If you become a member of this or that community, you will feel so much better, pull yourself together and give it a go. Something genuinely said by a GP's social prescriber to someone still in the early stages of their grief journey. The prescribed gave her a list of community groups without mentioning other support services available. Numerous academic studies have identified links between loneliness, depression and other mental health issues. You can be lonely without being depressed, and vice versa. They are not the same.
Do you ever feel lonely, and how does it make you feel? Can you quickly define one community you belong to?
What have I learnt writing this ramble? I have been lonely in many different situations & to differing degrees.
Communities of all types can be incredibly supportive but also very lonely.
Age is not relevant feel can feel lonely at any age.
Why didn't I write that at the beginning & save you all from reading my ramble? 😁
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Hmm. I haven't thought about loneliness for a long time. That's a good sign, right? The community part is easy. I'm a member of a women's organization at my church. There is crossover with some of the women and other parts of my life, which helps make me feel like I belong. This is only the 2nd time in my life I've felt this way.
I like seeing the various types of loneliness and could identify times in my life when I've felt the different types. The existential loneliness was tough, but I think I've grappled with it. What's going to be hard is when the two adult children who are living with me leave. Especially, my daughter. We are very close.
This was a brilliant and comprehensive read which reminded me of the nuance that isn’t normally covered in most loneliness literature - thanks for continuing on the great work, Jo - and for the generosity of your experience, too.